Republicans should try the truth serum experiment - opinion echo

Ohio echo opinion published in the Cincinnati Enquirer: Truth serum for Republicans (Cincinnati.com) by Phil Heimlich

Unique experiment ~ conducted by the U.S. Department of Satire, Parody and Other Endangered Resources. 

Three leading members of the Republican Party were given a truth serum, which caused them to speak honestly and openly about the current political situation. Audio recordings were made of their comments, which have been transcribed below.

(WARNING: Satire can cause confusion, anger and outbursts of profanity among people who have an untreated humor deficiency or who suffer from degenerative partisan myopia.)

Satire serum response from Ohio Senator Rob Portman:

"I’ve got to find a way to sneak into the Capitol today without reporters seeing me. They have absolutely no conscience about asking me over and over why I have no conscience. How dare they describe me as spineless for not speaking out every time the president tells a little fib. Sure, I voted to impeach President Clinton for lying about sex, but Trump’s impeachment is different – all he did was offer a teeny-weeny bribe to the president of Ukraine – and for that they call me a hypocrite? Well, I resemble that remark. I’m not afraid to criticize the president. I have spoken out numerous times in a very loud whisper about his conduct. When Trump sided with Vladimir Putin against our intelligence agencies, I used tough words like 'inappropriate' to express my deeply held convictions. If I can just keep ducking into elevators or behind stairwells, they’ll be back to calling me a statesman again in no time."

Satire serum response from South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham:

"My greatest fear is that people can rise from the dead, because if my old pal John McCain ever comes back to life, he’ll kill me. I can hear him now: 'How can you suck up to that corrupt blowhard? You bootlicker – don’t you have any principles?'

Well, I have a simple answer to that question: NO.

Question for Senator Susan Collins:  What would Senator John McCain do? 

Listen, when you’re given a ride on Air Force One by the commander-in-chief, it’s a hell of a lot more fun than being a cranky, bitter old 'maverick.' And the ecstasy of 18 rounds on the links at Mar-a-Lago with the leader of the free world – it’s better than body-slamming Congressman Adam Schiff. Well, almost. I’m up for reelection next year and every time my special buddy in the White House sends out one of those catchy tweets to the base, I get shivers down my spine (not to mention lots of calls from the un-fake news at Fox). And when I come up with some creative excuse for one of Trump’s boneheaded foreign policy ideas to buy North Korea or move the White House permanently to Mar-a-Lago, he pats me on the head and says, 'Good job, Lindsey.' God bless America, it doesn’t get any better than that."

Satire Serum from Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan (#GymJordan):

"Did you see me at those hearings? My rope-a-dope* makes Muhammad Ali look like a punch-drunk loser with two left feet. I tied those witnesses up in pretzels like my opponents when I won the NCAA wrestling title. Donald Trump could get caught trading Ukraine to Putin for Hillary’s missing emails, and we’d let him off. They say when the facts are against you, argue the law; and when the law is against you, argue the facts – but when the facts and the law are against you, that’s when you call Jim Jordan. Just don’t call me consistent. I hope nobody at CNN finds those old news clips of me demanding the impeachment of Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein for – get this – withholding documents from Congress and failing to comply with congressional subpoenas. Back then, impeachment fit like my trademark rolled-up shirtsleeves – I called it 'the indispensable power that Congress has for holding government officials accountable to the American people.' But now that shirt does not fit and we must acquit."

Opinion of Phil Heimlich is a former assistant prosecutor, Cincinnati City councilman and Hamilton County commissioner, and currently a legal adviser to Republicans for the Rule of Law. @philheimlich

*...boxing tactic of pretending to be trapped against the ropes...